I wish I could take credit for coming up with that title myself but it's a quote by Frederick Buechner which was featured in an article called "Creativity Heals" from the January/February 2012 issue of Creating Keepsakes magazine.
I was perusing the magazine when this particular quote just seemed to jump out at me and it seemed to sum up everything which had transpired from the last few days before my vacation right up to that present moment.
You see....my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's the first week of December and she called me the day before I was to leave to go to the States for my Christmas vacation.
She didn't want to call.....yet my father insisted....because he didn't want to ambush me with this news upon getting off a plane after a 24 hour journey.
This is the news no one wants to receive......this is the kind of thing which "happens to other people." Yet I was thankful she called because I needed to know what I was going home to......and yet at the same time I really didn't know what I was going home to......until I got there.
I'm not going to get into details.....but needless to say....behind the scenes I cried.....I got angry....and in front of everyone else I tried to "be strong". I thought I could handle my emotions.......by either running away from or stuffing them.
Oh but Jesus is just too smart for all that......and after being home for one week I began to notice an underlying current of irritation just below the surface.....which was not behaving itself......but was fighting to get out.
So while my Christmas was one of the most beautiful and one of the most difficult I've ever experienced.....there........just under the surface.......the irritation continued.
I couldn't put my finger on it.....I found myself troubled by it and yet each time it tried to break free...it would be stuffed back into place leaving me all the more perplexed by it.
that is.....until yesterday.
Yesterday.......it broke out in all it's ugliness.....and I found myself pacing in my apartment....and in my mind I was saying...."Jesus....I can't do this......Jesus.....I can't do this.....Jesus....I can't do this....." tears free flowing.
and there it was........I can't do this....not in my strength......but Jesus can.
How many times do we fool ourselves or the enemy of our souls deceives us into thinking we can handle the tragedies of this life in our own strength??
How many times do I have to remember that Jesus is right there on the other side of the door with everything I need while I'm half-way across the room getting ready to open the kitchen cabinet to get my hands on what I think will help me cope with my inconsolable heart??
I can't handle the ramifications of what it means for my mother having Alzeimer's........yet Jesus can......
and right now in this present moment....that's all I need to know.
Recent Comments